There are pupils who don’t faze you, even though they’re disruptive. And then there’s that one pupil where just a roll of the eyes is enough to make your pulse race.
Perhaps they ignore your instructions. Comment on everything. Provoke you. Are constantly late. Or treat you in a way you find disrespectful.
Of course, disruptive or inappropriate behaviour requires an appropriate educational response. But sometimes it is also worth asking another question:
Why is it that this behaviour, of all things, upsets me so much?
After all, when dealing with challenging pupils, it is not just a matter of changing the other person’s behaviour. It is also about gaining a better understanding of one’s own reaction.
And that is precisely where self-reflection begins.
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What exactly is a ‘difficult pupil’?
The term is problematic. After all, a pupil is not, by definition, ‘difficult’.
What is ‘difficult’ can be something that happens in a particular situation: a pupil constantly disrupts lessons, refuses to participate, provokes others, oversteps boundaries or ignores agreements.
But there’s something else that’s interesting.
Not every teacher experiences the same behaviour in the same way.
What drives you up the wall in a matter of seconds might leave a colleague surprisingly calm. On the other hand, she might react sensitively to something that barely fazes you.
This shows that something happens between a pupil’s behaviour and our reaction to it.
We assess the situation.
A roll of the eyes might then become:
“He doesn’t take me seriously at all.”
An unfinished task might become:
“He doesn’t care in the slightest how much effort I put in.”
A backchat might become:
“He doesn’t accept me as a teacher.”
And suddenly, it’s no longer just about the pupil’s behaviour.
It’s about us, too.
Why some pupils set us off
Put simply, a trigger is something that provokes a particularly strong emotional reaction in us.
However, not every instance of annoyance is automatically a ‘trigger’. If a pupil insults another, threatens violence or seriously disrupts the lesson, there is a specific reason to take action.
Things get exciting when you realise:
My reaction is stronger than I’d actually like it to be.
- You’re still angry hours later.
- You keep going over the situation in your head on the way home.
- You’re desperate to prove that you’re right.
- You take the behaviour personally.
- Or you keep reacting in the same way in certain situations, even though you’ve known for ages that it doesn’t help you.
- In that case, it’s worth taking a closer look.
In this post, you’ll find some further tips on how to keep your emotions in check in the classroom.
5 common triggers in everyday school life
1. Disrespect
A pupil rolls their eyes, interrupts or replies in a tone you find inappropriate.
Perhaps the thought immediately springs to mind:
‘That’s no way to talk to me.’
Setting a boundary can be entirely the right thing to do. The crucial thing is whether you set the boundary consciously – or whether your anger is already acting on your behalf.
2. Being ignored
You’ve explained something for the third time, and yet the pupil is still doing something else.
That can quickly feel as though:
“He’s not taking me seriously.”
But a failure to follow instructions and personal rejection are not automatically the same thing.
This small distinction can make a world of difference.
3. Provocation
Some pupils seem to know exactly which button to press.
A comment. A smirk. A little remark.
And suddenly a power struggle ensues.
The problem is: the more important it becomes for you to win this power struggle at all costs, the more the situation dictates your own behaviour.
4. Lack of motivation
You prepare your lessons carefully – and yet someone sits in front of you as if they couldn’t care less.
That can be frustrating.
Especially when you unconsciously expect:
“If I make an effort, surely my pupils must appreciate it.”
But your responsibility for delivering a good lesson doesn’t mean you can completely control another person’s motivation.
5. Loss of control
The class gets noisy. Several pupils are talking at once. Your plan isn’t working.
For some teachers, this is particularly stressful.
Not necessarily because the situation is objectively worse than other situations – but because it creates the feeling that:
‘I’ve lost control of the class.’
And behind this thought may lie the fear of not being a good enough teacher.
How your reaction might be linked to your own expectations
We all harbour ideas about how other people should behave.
- Pupils should be respectful.
- They should listen.
- They should follow the rules.
- They should value our work.
Many of these expectations are understandable and are even necessary for collaborative learning.
Things become difficult when our inner balance depends on other people meeting these expectations at all times.
Then a pupil suddenly gains a surprising amount of power over our mood.
All they have to do is do the ‘wrong’ thing – and suddenly we are no longer ourselves.
Self-reflection therefore does not mean:
‘The pupil can do whatever they like and I just have to work on myself.’
Quite the opposite.
It means:
I distinguish between the other person’s behaviour and my own reaction to it.
The pupil’s behaviour may call for a boundary to be set.
My reaction to it can still remain my responsibility.
Why am I actually reacting like this?
If certain situations consistently affect you particularly deeply, this may be down to expectations, past experiences and recurring personal patterns.
It is precisely these kinds of patterns that ‘My Ego is on Holiday’ explores.
The book helps teachers to recognise their own automatic reactions more clearly and to deal with them more consciously in their day-to-day school life.
- Recommended by teachers, headteachers and educational practitioners.
What should you do if you feel triggered during a lesson?
In the middle of a lesson, you rarely have time for in-depth self-reflection. In that case, something much simpler helps:
Create a short delay between the stimulus and the response.
It might only take a few seconds.
Take a conscious breath out.
Speak more slowly.
Lower your voice instead of raising it automatically.
Ask a question before you draw conclusions.
And ask yourself inwardly:
“What do I really need to do right now?”
Not:
“How can I show him who’s boss right now?”
But rather:
“What response will help me and the situation right now?”
Sometimes a firm response is necessary.
Sometimes a conversation.
Sometimes a break.
And sometimes you realise that you were about to react more strongly to something than the situation actually called for.
5 questions for self-reflection following a difficult situation
The actual reflection can take place later.
Take five minutes to answer these questions as honestly as possible:
1. What exactly happened?
To begin with, simply describe the observable behaviour – without offering any interpretation.
2. What was I thinking at that moment?
For example: “He doesn’t respect me.”
3. How did I feel?
Anger? Helplessness? Hurt? Fear? Frustration?
4. Which of my expectations has been let down?
In your opinion, what should the pupil have done?
5. How would I like to react next time?
Not: What should the pupil be like?
But: What part of the situation can you influence?
This distinction is subtle, but crucial.
If you’d like to take your self-reflection a step further, you’ll find more self-reflection exercises for teachers here.
Setting boundaries without getting caught up in a power struggle
Self-reflection does not mean becoming boundlessly tolerant.
A confident teacher is entitled to say clearly:
‘I don’t want to be addressed like that.’
They are entitled to take action.
They are entitled to enforce rules.
And they are entitled to seek support.
The difference lies in where the reaction comes from.
Am I acting because a boundary has been crossed?
Or am I acting out of a need to assert myself, to be right, or to prove my authority?
From the outside, both reactions may look similar.
Inwardly, they are fundamentally different.
Not every instance of challenging behaviour can be resolved through self-reflection
It would be wrong to place the blame for difficult classroom situations solely on the teacher.
There are types of behaviour that require clear pedagogical or school-wide measures. There are structural problems. There are classes in which individual teachers need support. And there are situations in which boundaries must be consistently upheld.
Self-reflection therefore does not replace classroom management, school rules, support from colleagues or professional help.
It complements them.
Because even if you cannot immediately change a pupil’s behaviour, you can learn to be more mindful of your own reaction.
Self-assurance doesn’t mean that nothing bothers you anymore
Being calm in the teaching profession does not mean standing there smiling next to a burning classroom at some point.
You’re allowed to feel annoyed.
You’re allowed to feel exhausted.
You’re allowed to find behaviour inappropriate.
And you’re allowed to set boundaries.
Confidence begins, rather, when you no longer make your reaction entirely dependent on the behaviour of others.
Perhaps that is why, after a difficult lesson, it is not only interesting to ask:
‘What is wrong with this pupil?’
But sometimes also:
‘What exactly has this situation actually done to me?’
This question changes your perspective.
Not because everything suddenly becomes your responsibility.
But because it gives you room for manoeuvre again in the one area where you can actually make a difference: with yourself.
Find out how you can strengthen your soft skills as a teacher in this article.
Understanding your own patterns better
If you notice that certain conflicts, behaviours or people consistently trigger similar reactions in you, it’s worth looking a little deeper.
That is exactly what “My Ego is on Holiday” is about:
- recognising your own patterns
- understanding automatic reactions and
- acting more consciously when dealing with other people.
Not with the aim of always being calm.
But with the aim of having more choices.
Frequently asked questions about dealing with difficult pupils
How do I deal with difficult pupils?
First of all, try to separate the specific behaviour from your assessment of the person. Set any necessary boundaries clearly and calmly, whilst at the same time asking yourself what the situation is triggering in you. The better you understand your own reaction patterns, the easier it will be for you to act consciously, rather than allowing yourself to be drawn into a power struggle.
What should I do if a pupil provokes me?
If possible, try not to react on the basis of your first emotional impulse. Taking a brief moment to pause can help create some distance between the provocation and your reaction. Then ask yourself: Which boundary has actually been crossed? What response would be educationally appropriate now? And to what extent might this be linked to my own expectations or feelings of hurt?
Why do some pupils trigger me so strongly?
Certain behaviours can touch on personal expectations, values or sensitive issues. Whilst one teacher, for example, might react particularly strongly to a lack of respect, another might be more troubled by unreliability or a loss of control. Self-reflection can help you recognise why certain situations consistently trigger similar reactions in you.
How can I stay calm when dealing with challenging pupils?
Staying calm does not mean putting up with everything. It helps to distinguish between the pupil’s behaviour and your emotional reaction to it. Make a conscious effort to speak more slowly, avoid spontaneous power struggles and, where possible, only decide on consequences once you know what you want to achieve with your reaction.
How can self-reflection help teachers deal with challenging pupils?
Self-reflection helps you to become aware of your own thoughts, feelings, expectations and recurring patterns of behaviour. This enables you to distinguish more clearly between situations that genuinely require an educational response and those where your personal judgement is making the situation worse. This broadens your scope for action in the classroom.
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