You have prepared for the conversation. You know what you want to address. You have thought about the facts, chosen your words carefully and planned how to approach the issue.
And then the conversation takes a completely different direction.
The teacher becomes defensive. They explain why the situation was not their fault. Perhaps they become emotional. Or suddenly the conversation is no longer about their behavior at all.
Instead, they say something like:
“Maybe you should think about the way you lead this school.”
At that moment, a difficult conversation becomes even more difficult.
Because now it is no longer only about how the other person reacts.
It is also about how you react.
Can you continue listening when you feel criticized?
Can you remain clear without becoming defensive?
Can you tolerate disagreement without immediately trying to prove that you are right?
Difficult conversations are part of school leadership. But handling them well requires more than the right communication techniques. It also requires self-awareness.
Because good leadership is not only about leading others.
It is also about leading yourself.
Inhalt des Beitrags
Why Difficult Conversations Are Part of School Leadership
Being a school leader is not just about organization, school development and administration.
Leadership also means addressing issues that are uncomfortable.
Perhaps agreements are repeatedly not being followed.
Perhaps there have been complaints.
Perhaps a teacher’s behavior is affecting collaboration within the staff.
Perhaps tasks are not being completed reliably.
Perhaps you want to encourage change.
Or you may need to stand behind a decision that you already know will not be well received.
Difficult conversations like these cannot be avoided forever.
And yet, the temptation to do exactly that can be strong.
As long as you do not address the issue, there is no open conflict – at least for the moment.
The problem is:
The problem does not disappear just because you avoid talking about it.
That is why difficult conversations are not a minor part of school leadership. They are a central part of effective leadership in schools:
→ Leadership in Schools: What Good Leadership Really Looks Like
Why We Sometimes Put Off Difficult Conversations for Too Long
You may be familiar with thoughts like:
Maybe the problem will resolve itself.
I’ll keep an eye on it for a little longer.
There is already so much going on right now.
Maybe this is not the right time.
Sometimes, waiting is the right decision.
But sometimes, there is something else behind it:
We want to avoid an uncomfortable reaction.
Perhaps you do not want to upset the teacher.
Perhaps you do not want to come across as authoritarian.
Perhaps you are worried that the conversation could affect the atmosphere among the staff.
Or perhaps you simply do not want to deal with the conflict that might follow.
That is human.
But as a school leader, it is still worth taking a closer look:
Am I waiting for a practical reason – or am I avoiding the conversation because it feels uncomfortable?
The longer a necessary conversation is postponed, the more serious the problem can become.
Good Preparation: What Should Be Different After the Conversation?
Before having a difficult conversation with a teacher, do not just think about what is bothering you. The more important question is:
What should be different after this conversation?
The two may sound similar, but there is an important difference.
“I’m frustrated that Ms. X is not completing her tasks reliably” describes your problem.
“I want us to clearly agree on which tasks need to be completed by when, and how we will handle situations when that is not possible” describes a goal.
This gives the conversation a clear direction.
Four questions can help you prepare:
- What have I specifically observed?
- What impact has this behavior had?
- What do I want to understand from the other person’s perspective?
- What change or agreement do I need?
This way, you enter the conversation with a clear purpose – not just with your frustration.
Observation Instead of Judgment
One of the most important distinctions in difficult conversations with teachers is the difference between an observation and a judgment.
Compare:
“You are unreliable.”
with:
“The agreed documents were not ready by the deadline on the last two occasions.”
The first statement judges the person.
The second describes a specific behavior.
That does not mean the second statement will automatically be pleasant to hear.
But it gives the other person the opportunity to discuss a concrete situation rather than defend themselves against a judgment about who they are.
With a statement like:
“You are not a team player.”
the other person will almost inevitably feel the need to defend themselves.
But if you say:
“In the last two team meetings, we agreed on a different approach from the one that was later implemented,”
you can discuss a specific situation.
The more difficult the conversation, the more important it becomes to separate observation from judgment.
Especially in tense situations, the way you phrase something can determine whether a conversation helps clarify the issue or creates even more resistance. This applies not only to one-on-one conversations, but to constructive communication among school staff in general.
When the Teacher Immediately Becomes Defensive
You describe what you have observed. And the immediate response is:
“Yes, but…”
Then come ten reasons why there was simply no other way to handle the situation.
You may recognize the impulse to respond to and refute every single point.
The conversation can quickly turn into a back-and-forth:
“But we agreed that…”
“Yes, but I couldn’t because…”
“You still should have…”
“But there was no way I could have known that…”
At some point, you are arguing about minor details and have lost sight of the actual issue.
In situations like this, it can help to listen to the explanation first and then return to the core issue:
“I understand that the situation was difficult for you. At the same time, we need to clarify how we are going to handle this responsibility in the future.”
You do not have to challenge every justification.
You do not have to win the conversation.
Your job is to make sure the issue that matters remains open for discussion.
Listening Does Not Mean Agreeing
Especially in difficult conversations, listening is sometimes misunderstood.
When you say:
“I understand that this is how you experienced the situation.”
it does not mean:
“You are right.”
You can understand someone’s perspective without sharing it.
This can be extremely helpful in difficult leadership conversations because the other person does not first have to be convinced that their perception is wrong before you can continue the conversation.
You can say:
“I can understand why you see the situation that way. I still see this point differently.”
Both perspectives can exist at the same time.
When the Teacher Becomes Emotional
Not every difficult conversation with a teacher remains calm and factual.
People get angry.
Disappointed.
Hurt.
Sometimes there are tears.
As a school leader, you may quickly feel the urge to calm the uncomfortable situation as soon as possible.
Perhaps you suddenly soften what you actually wanted to say:
“It’s not really that serious…”
Or you immediately switch into problem-solving mode.
But emotions do not automatically mean that the conversation has failed.
You can allow the moment to simply be there. You can say:
“I can see that this is really affecting you.”
And then actually remain silent for a moment.
Not every uncomfortable emotion needs to be resolved immediately.
That applies to the other person.
And it applies to you as well.
Be Clear Without Being Harsh
School leaders sometimes feel caught between two seemingly opposing approaches:
Either I am supportive and respectful – or I am firm and consistent.
But the two belong together.
Showing appreciation does not mean avoiding difficult issues.
And being clear does not mean treating people harshly.
For example, you might say:
“I really appreciate your commitment in this area. At the same time, we need to talk about the fact that this agreement has repeatedly not been followed.”
Both statements can be true.
As a school leader, you do not have to devalue someone as a person in order to clearly address problematic behavior. In fact:
The more clearly you separate the person from their behavior, the easier it becomes to remain both respectful and firm.
When You Become Emotional Yourself
Up to this point, everything may sound fairly manageable. But then the other person might say:
“That’s typical. You never listen to us anyway.”
Or:
“I’m not going to accept that criticism from you.”
Or:
“Maybe you should take a look at your own mistakes first.”
And suddenly you notice: I’m getting angry.
This is a crucial moment.
Because now it is no longer just about communication.
It is about self-leadership.
Perhaps you immediately want to prove that the statement is wrong.
Perhaps you feel personally attacked.
Perhaps you want to reassert your authority.
Perhaps you want to end the conversation.
Your first impulse is not the problem.
What matters is whether you automatically act on it.
Moments like these show why self-reflection for school leaders is an important part of good leadership: A conversation is shaped not only by the other person’s behavior, but also by your own expectations, triggers and patterns of reaction.
Handling Criticism of Your Leadership Without Immediately Defending Yourself
A difficult conversation with a teacher can take an unexpected turn.
You intended to give feedback.
Suddenly, you are the one receiving it.
It may not always be fair.
It may not always be constructive.
And it may come at a time you did not choose.
Even so, it can help to pause for a moment before responding.
Ask yourself:
Do I really need to respond to this right now?
Often, the answer is no.
You could say:
“That’s a point I’d like to come back to. For now, let’s finish discussing the issue we’re currently addressing.”
Or:
“I can see that this is important to you. I don’t want to discuss it in passing. We can arrange a separate meeting to give it the attention it deserves.”
This does not mean you are ignoring the criticism.
But it also prevents the criticism from completely taking over the original conversation.
What Does Your Ego Have to Do With a Difficult Conversation?
Leadership situations can challenge the way we see ourselves.
Perhaps you want to be a good school leader.
A respected principal.
A fair leader.
Someone who has the support of the staff.
Someone who appears confident and composed.
Someone who makes good decisions.
And then you find yourself sitting across from someone who seems to question exactly that.
They may not even say it directly.
But that is how it feels.
Suddenly, you are no longer just trying to resolve a problem.
You want to prove:
I am a good leader.
My decision was right.
I have the situation under control.
I will not allow my authority to be undermined.
And that is exactly when your own ego can start influencing the conversation.
Does a School Leader Always Have to Appear Confident?
No.
Being confident as a school leader does not mean never feeling uncertain.
Nor does it mean having an immediate answer to every question.
Saying:
“I’d like to think about that before I respond.”
can be more confident than giving a quick answer that you later regret.
Likewise:
“You’re right about that.”
does not mean losing your authority as a leader.
And:
“I misjudged that situation.”
does not automatically make you less credible.
Sometimes authority does not come from a leader never admitting a mistake.
It comes from not constantly needing to prove that you are always right.
Not Every Problem Has to Be Solved Immediately
Another source of pressure is the idea:
We need to have a solution by the end of this conversation.
Not always.
Sometimes people need time to reflect on feedback.
Sometimes important information is still missing.
Sometimes emotions are running so high that reaching a reasonable agreement is simply not possible at that moment.
In situations like these, it can make sense to consciously pause the conversation:
“We’ve discussed some important points today. I’d like both of us to take some time to think about them. Let’s continue the conversation on Thursday.”
That is not a failure.
It can be a sign of good leadership.
Setting Boundaries in Difficult Conversations
Respect does not end when the other person becomes difficult.
But being respectful does not mean accepting every kind of behavior.
Personal attacks, insults or consistently disrespectful communication can and should be addressed. For example:
“I’m willing to discuss your criticism, but I will not accept personal attacks.”
Or:
“I’m happy to continue this conversation when we can both speak to each other respectfully and stay focused on the issue.”
This allows you to set a clear boundary without becoming confrontational yourself. Especially in tense situations, that is often much harder than it sounds on paper.
After a Difficult Conversation: Don’t Just Reflect on the Other Person
Something interesting often happens after a difficult conversation: we analyze very carefully what the other person did.
Why did she react that way?
Why didn’t he understand?
Why did she immediately disagree again?
Why won’t he take responsibility?
These questions may be justified.
But for your own development as a school leader, a second perspective is at least as valuable:
What was happening inside me during the conversation?
Five Self-Reflection Questions for School Leaders
After a difficult conversation with a teacher, you can ask yourself questions such as:
- At what point did the conversation become personally difficult for me?
- Which statement from the other person triggered the strongest reaction in me?
- What was I trying to achieve in that moment – finding a solution or proving that I was right?
- Where was I clear, and where did I avoid addressing the issue?
- What would I do the same way next time, and what would I do differently?
These questions are not meant to make you analyze every single sentence you said afterwards. This is not about self-criticism. It is about recognizing your own patterns.
Perhaps, over time, you notice:
Whenever someone questions one of my decisions, I spend far too long explaining myself.
Or:
When someone becomes emotional, I immediately back away from what I was asking for.
Or:
When I feel that someone does not respect me, I become unnecessarily harsh.
Insights like these can be extremely valuable for your development as a school leader.
Difficult Conversations Begin With Self-Leadership
Conversation frameworks can be helpful.
Communication models can be helpful.
Preparation can be helpful.
But no method can guarantee how the other person will respond.
That is why good leadership requires something else as well:
the ability to notice your own reactions.
Sometimes, there is only a brief moment between something the other person says and your response.
But a lot can happen in that moment.
Do you react automatically?
Or do you notice:
This is making me angry.
I want to defend myself.
I really want to prove that I’m right.
I want this uncomfortable feeling to go away as quickly as possible.
Simply noticing these reactions does not change the conversation yet.
But it gives you a choice.
Difficult Conversations as Part of Good Leadership in Schools
Difficult conversations are not a sign that leadership is failing. They are part of leadership.
Wherever people work together, there will be different expectations, interests and perspectives. The role of a school leader is therefore not to prevent conflict entirely. It is also to address situations when something is not working.
Clearly.
Respectfully.
And, whenever possible, without turning a difficult issue into a personal power struggle.
If You Want to Better Understand Your Own Patterns as a Leader
Perhaps this sounds familiar:
In theory, you know exactly how a difficult conversation should be handled.
And yet, when you are actually in the situation, you react differently.
You become defensive.
You want to prove that you are right.
You avoid conflict.
You take on too much responsibility.
Or you desperately want the other person to understand and accept your decision.
This is where leadership becomes personal.
And this is exactly where “My Ego is on Holiday” comes in.
The book does not focus only on what other people do. It invites you to take a closer look at your own patterns of thinking and reacting.
Because you cannot fully control how the other person behaves.
But you can learn to recognize more clearly what their behavior triggers in you – and choose more consciously how you want to respond.
Frequently Asked Questions About Difficult Conversations as a School Leader
How Do I Handle a Difficult Conversation With a Teacher?
Prepare specific observations, consider the impact of the behavior and define what you want to achieve in the conversation. Describe concrete behavior rather than judging the person. Listen to the teacher’s perspective and then clarify what change or agreement is needed.
How Do I Start a Difficult Conversation With a Teacher?
Address the issue clearly and relatively early in the conversation. For example: “I’d like to talk with you today about a situation that I believe we need to address.” Long introductions can increase tension and make the actual purpose of the conversation less clear.
What Should I Do if a Teacher Becomes Emotional During the Conversation?
Emotions do not have to be resolved immediately. Give the person a moment, acknowledge that the situation is affecting them if appropriate, and then decide whether the conversation can continue or whether taking a break would be more helpful.
How Should I Respond When a Teacher Becomes Defensive or Makes Excuses?
Listen to the explanation first. Then return to the main issue. You do not have to challenge every argument or justification. What matters is that the necessary clarification or agreement does not get lost.
How Should I Handle Criticism of My Leadership?
You do not have to respond to criticism immediately. First consider whether it is relevant to the current conversation and whether you want to address it right away. You can acknowledge a valid point, ask for time to think about it or arrange a separate conversation.
What Is Important When Giving Critical Feedback to a Teacher?
Focus on specific behavior rather than personal characteristics. Separate your respect for the person from the need to clearly address problematic behavior. A difficult conversation can be respectful while still being clear and firm.
How Can I Stay Calm and Confident During Difficult Conversations as a School Leader?
Pay attention not only to the other person, but also to your own reactions. If you notice yourself becoming angry, defensive or uncertain, you do not have to respond immediately. Asking a question, pausing for a moment or taking time before responding can be more effective than reacting impulsively.
Good Staff Conversations Require Clarity – and Self-Reflection
Perhaps good communication in difficult conversations ultimately comes down to looking in two directions.
The first is outward:
What happened? What needs to be clarified? What do I need from the other person?
The second is inward:
What is this situation triggering in me?
Both matter.
Because as a school leader, you do not enter a difficult conversation as a neutral observer.
You are sitting at the table too.
With your experiences.
Your expectations.
Your self-image.
And your own patterns of reaction.
The goal, therefore, is not to remain completely unemotional in every conversation.
Nor is it to always find the perfect words.
What matters much more is this:
being clear about the issue that needs to be addressed while also noticing when your own need for harmony, approval, control or being right begins to take over the conversation.
Difficult conversations do not become successful because they never get difficult.
They become successful when you are still able to lead when they do.
Want to Better Understand Your Own Reactions as a School Leader?
“My Ego is on Holiday” is written for teachers and school leaders who want to do more than change other people’s behavior. It helps you take a closer look at your own patterns of thinking and reacting.
With practical prompts for self-reflection, the book can help you respond to difficult situations with greater awareness, clarity and calm.
Get a Free Sample Chapter With a Self-Test – and Get to Know Yourself Better
The free sample chapter gives you a first insight into why you react the way you do in difficult conversations – and which of your own patterns may be influencing your response.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ As a leader, I sometimes find it difficult to stay clear and understand my team.
Amazon Customer – 2026
This book has shown me how I can be more present with greater inner calm and a clearer mindset – especially in conflict situations.
No abstract theory, but practical and relevant to everyday leadership.