A parent questions your decision. A pupil tells you your lessons are boring. A colleague criticises your approach. Or the school management gives you feedback you weren’t expecting.
The conversation might last five minutes.
In your mind, it lasts much longer.
On your way home, you realise what else you could have said. At dinner, you go over the conversation again. And at some point you ask yourself:
Why does this actually bother me so much?
Not taking criticism personally is easier said than done. After all, in the teaching profession in particular, a great deal of your own personality goes into your day-to-day work.
However, there is a crucial difference between
‘Someone is criticising something I have done’
and
‘Someone is criticising me as a person’
.
Recognising this difference can help you deal with criticism more calmly.
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Why does criticism affect us as a teacher in the first place?
Imagine two teachers.
Both hear from a parent:
“I don’t think you handled the situation well.”
The first teacher thinks:
Right. The father sees it differently. I’ll listen to his arguments.
The second thinks:
Does he think I’m incompetent or something?
Same sentence.
Completely different internal reactions.
This highlights something important:
It’s not just the criticism itself that determines how we feel.
Our interpretation also plays a part.
We don’t just hear the words of the person we’re talking to. We link them to our experiences, expectations and the image we have of ourselves.
And that’s exactly why criticism can sometimes feel so personal.
Here you’ll find further insights on the topic of self-reflection for teachers.
Criticism or a personal attack?
When someone criticises our work, two levels quickly become intertwined.
First, there is the factual level:
“I disagree with this decision.”
In our minds, however, this can turn into:
“You made the wrong decision.”
And that, in turn, into:
“You’re not a good teacher.”
Feedback on a specific situation has suddenly turned into a judgement on us as a person.
The problem is:
That last sentence may never actually have been spoken.
We’ve added it ourselves.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that criticism is always expressed objectively or fairly. Parents, pupils, colleagues or line managers can certainly offer criticism that is hurtful, unfair or disrespectful.
But even then, it’s worth asking:
What was actually said – and what conclusions did I draw about myself from it?
Why teachers can quickly take criticism personally
Being a teacher is not a job where you simply produce a result and then go home.
You stand before other people as a person.
You explain, make decisions, assess, have conversations, set boundaries, resolve conflicts and respond every day to situations that cannot be fully planned for. In the process, relationships are formed. And there is often a great deal of personal commitment involved in your work.
That is precisely why criticism can quickly affect you on a deeper level than just a single decision.
Perhaps you want to be a fair teacher.
An understanding teacher.
A competent educator.
A confident form tutor.
When someone questions precisely this aspect of your work, the criticism can suddenly feel like an attack on your self-image.
How your self-image is linked to criticism
We all have our own ideas about who we are – and who we’d like to be. For example:
- I am a good teacher.
- I am fair.
- I have my class under control.
- I am well prepared.
- I get on well with pupils.
- I am helpful.
- I make sensible decisions.
At first glance, there is nothing wrong with these ideas. It becomes difficult when we find ourselves having to defend them constantly. Because then, any feedback to the contrary can become uncomfortable.
A pupil says:
“That’s unfair!”
And suddenly, you’re no longer just defending your decision. You’re defending your belief:
“I am a fair teacher.”
This is precisely the point at which criticism becomes personal.
Criticism can feel especially difficult when you place very high expectations on your own work. If you want to get everything right, a critical comment may feel like more than feedback about one particular situation – it can quickly make you question your competence. Teacher perfectionism can play an important role in this reaction.
Why we feel the need to defend ourselves immediately when faced with criticism
Perhaps you’re familiar with this impulse.
Someone criticises you – and even before they’ve finished their sentence, you’re already formulating your reply in your head.
Yes, but …
That’s not quite right …
You don’t even know …
I only did that because …
The desire to set the record straight can, of course, be entirely justified. But sometimes there’s more to our justifications than that. We don’t just want to explain the facts. We want to get rid of an unpleasant feeling.
We want to prove:
I haven’t done anything wrong.
Or even:
There’s nothing wrong with me.
Then it becomes difficult to listen at all.
Not taking criticism personally does not mean putting up with everything
Dealing with criticism calmly does not mean accepting every piece of feedback without question.
You are allowed to disagree.
You are allowed to defend a decision.
You are allowed to correct false claims.
And you are allowed to cut a conversation short if the other person becomes disrespectful.
The crucial question is rather:
Can I consider the criticism first, without letting it determine my own self-worth?
This creates some distance.
And with this distance, you’re in a much better position to decide:
Is there any truth in the criticism?
Is it partly justified?
Is the other person missing some information?
Or is it actually unfair?
Distinguishing between justified and unjustified criticism
Not every criticism deserves the same response.
One helpful approach is to distinguish between three categories in your mind.
1. The criticism is justified
Perhaps you did indeed overlook something.
Perhaps your communication wasn’t clear.
Perhaps you reacted too hastily.
That can be uncomfortable.
But admitting a mistake doesn’t mean you’re a bad teacher.
You could say:
“You’re right. I should have communicated that differently.”
And that might well be the end of the matter.
2. There is a grain of truth in the criticism
Many situations are less clear-cut.
Perhaps not everything the other person says is true – but some of it gives you food for thought.
In that case, you don’t have to accept everything, nor do you have to reject everything.
You can take exactly the part that is helpful to you.
3. In your view, the criticism is unfounded
That happens too.
People don’t always know all the background to a decision. They may have different interests or view a situation from a different perspective.
You may therefore come to the following conclusion after the conversation:
“I’ve thought about it and would make the same decision again.”
Self-reflection does not mean automatically assuming that others are right.
Don’t take criticism from parents personally
Parent-teacher meetings can be particularly challenging.
Parents understandably view a situation from their child’s perspective. At the same time, you have to take into account the class, school rules, educational objectives and, possibly, developments that extend over a longer period of time.
These perspectives can clash.
For example, if a parent says:
“You’re treating my child unfairly.”
the spontaneous impulse may be to prove straight away that this isn’t true.
It might be more helpful to start by asking a follow-up question:
“What exactly are you basing that on?”
This brings about a crucial shift.
A general judgement is transformed back into a specific situation.
And it’s much easier to talk about specific situations than to discuss whether you’re, in general, a fair or unfair person.
Criticism from pupils – should I take it seriously?
Pupils can also give quite blunt feedback.
“Your lessons are boring.”
“Nobody understands what you’re on about.”
“That’s totally unfair.”
Statements like these are not automatically objective descriptions of your work. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they are worthless.
You might ask yourself:
What lies behind this statement?
Perhaps the pupil is simply frustrated at the moment.
Perhaps they’re trying to provoke you.
Perhaps they genuinely don’t understand something.
Perhaps they feel a decision is unfair.
Or perhaps the rather undiplomatic criticism actually contains a useful point that you can act on.
So you don’t have to believe everything, nor do you have to dismiss everything.
When criticism comes from colleagues
Criticism amongst colleagues takes on a dynamic of its own.
After all, you’ll be seeing each other again afterwards.
In the staff room.
At staff meetings.
In working groups.
In the corridor.
Perhaps that is why you don’t want to let a conflict arise. Or perhaps you feel particularly affected by a colleague right now because you value her opinion. In such cases, it is worth distinguishing between the relationship and the issue at hand.
A colleague may take a critical view of one of your decisions and still hold you in high regard.
You may have different educational philosophies and still work well together.
Not every difference of opinion is a strain on your relationship.
What does your ego have to do with criticism?
Now this is where it gets interesting.
Because sometimes criticism hurts us not just because someone has said something unpleasant. It strikes at the image we have of ourselves.
Perhaps we want to come across as competent.
To be right.
To be recognised.
To be liked.
To stay in control.
Or to avoid making mistakes.
As long as no one questions these assumptions, we often don’t even realise how important they are to us.
Criticism brings them to light.
A sentence like
“I see it differently.”
can then suddenly feel like:
“You’ve got no idea.”
Yet there’s a world of difference between these two statements. That’s precisely why criticism can be an interesting moment for self-reflection.
Not because you’ve automatically done something wrong. But because your reaction can reveal something about yourself.
Five questions to ask yourself if criticism is weighing on your mind
If you find yourself thinking about a conversation for a long time afterwards, there’s no need to try and push the feeling aside as quickly as possible. You can make use of it. Ask yourself:
- What was actually said?
- How did I interpret that in relation to myself?
- Which part of the criticism might be justified?
- Which part do I not need to take on board?
- Why does this particular point affect me so much?
The fifth question is often the most revealing.
You might realise: ‘It’s not really the criticism that’s bothering me. I just don’t want anyone to think I’m incompetent.’
Or:
‘I find it hard to cope with the fact that someone is unhappy with my decision.’
Or:
‘I’m desperate to prove that I’m right.’
If so, you may have uncovered something that goes far beyond this one conversation.
Dealing with criticism more confidently at the moment
Self-reflection doesn’t just happen after a situation has passed.
Over time, you can learn to recognise your reaction whilst a conversation is still taking place.
You might notice:
Now I’m getting defensive.
Now I want to justify myself straight away.
Now I’m getting angry.
Now I’m desperate to prove that I’m right.
This brief moment is valuable.
Because you don’t have to react straight away.
You can ask for clarification.
“What exactly do you mean by that?”
You can buy yourself some time.
“I’d like a moment to think about that.”
You can acknowledge the point without agreeing straight away.
“I understand that you experienced the situation differently.”
Or you can set a boundary.
“I’m happy to talk about this. But I’d like us to keep it objective.”
Self-assurance doesn’t mean always having the perfect answer straight away. Sometimes it simply means not automatically reacting to your first impulse.
What if criticism still hurts me?
Then it hurts you.
Even self-reflection doesn’t mean that, at some point, nothing will affect us anymore.
Some feedback hits a raw nerve. Some conversations are unfair. Some people phrase their criticism in a hurtful way.
The goal cannot therefore be:
“Criticism mustn’t bother me anymore.”
A more helpful goal would be:
“I want to understand why it bothers me – and be able to decide for myself what I do about it.”
That’s a big difference.
Personality and criticism: Why not everyone reacts in the same way
Perhaps you know colleagues who seem to brush off criticism with ease. Others continue to dwell on it days later. Our personal reaction patterns also play a part in this.
Some people value harmony and are particularly distressed when someone is dissatisfied with them. Others want to get things right and react strongly when their competence is questioned. Still others avoid conflict or immediately feel responsible for putting a situation right.
If you’re curious to find out which patterns apply to you, you can learn more about yourself here:
→ Personality test for teachers: What type of teacher are you?
Self-reflection rather than self-criticism
Self-reflection does not mean:
‘What have I done wrong again?’
That would simply be another form of self-criticism.
Rather, self-reflection means:
‘What has just happened – both externally and within me?’
Perhaps you’ll spot a mistake in the process.
Or perhaps you’ll realise that you acted appropriately and are simply finding it difficult to put up with another person’s dissatisfaction.
Both are valuable insights.
Criticism can be a mirror – but not all criticism reflects the truth
The phrase ‘Criticism is a gift’ sounds good. Yet it isn’t entirely true.
Some criticism is helpful.
Some is poorly worded.
Some is based on misunderstandings.
Some is unfair.
And some may say more about the critic than it does about you.
That doesn’t mean you have to accept every piece of feedback.
But you can take a look at every piece of feedback first, before deciding what to do with it.
Perhaps there’s something valuable in it.
Perhaps not.
The key difference is that it’s not your first emotional impulse that decides.
It’s you.
If you’d like to understand your own reaction patterns better
Perhaps, whilst reading, you’ve noticed that certain forms of criticism affect you particularly deeply.
It is precisely these moments that can reveal a great deal about our own expectations and ways of thinking:
Why do I feel so compelled to be right?
Why do I need the approval of others?
Why do I find it difficult to admit a mistake?
Why does someone else’s opinion still be on my mind hours later?
Why do I feel the need to explain, justify or correct things straight away?
‘My Ego Is on Holiday’ also explores questions like these.
This book isn’t intended to show you how to become the perfect teacher.
Rather, it invites you to become more aware of your own patterns of thought and reaction – so that, between an external stimulus and your reaction, there is a little more space for you to make your own decision.
Frequently asked questions about dealing with criticism as a teacher
How can I avoid taking criticism personally?
First of all, try to distinguish between who you are as a person and your behaviour. Criticism of a decision does not automatically mean that the other person disapproves of you as a person or of your work as a whole. It helps to ask yourself: What was actually criticised – and what additional meaning am I attributing to the statement itself?
As a teacher, how should I deal with unfair criticism?
First of all, try to work out as specifically as possible what the criticism is about. If necessary, ask for examples. You can then decide which parts you agree with and which you do not. You don’t have to accept every criticism.
What should I do if parents criticise me as a teacher?
Try to trace general statements back to a specific situation. A question such as “How exactly do you determine that?” can help to move away from a personal assessment and back to the facts.
Why does criticism stay on my mind for so long?
Criticism can affect our own expectations and self-image. It can be particularly distressing when we interpret feedback on our behaviour as a judgement on our personal worth. Self-reflection can help us to understand why certain comments have such a lasting impact.
How can I respond to criticism with confidence?
You don’t have to reply straight away. It can help to ask for clarification, take a moment to think, or summarise the other person’s point of view first. You can then decide whether you agree with the criticism, can only agree with part of it, or stand by your original assessment.
As a teacher, do I have to take every criticism seriously?
You can consider criticism seriously without automatically accepting it as correct. It is crucial to distinguish between listening and agreeing. Listening to feedback does not oblige you to accept it.
Not taking criticism personally does not mean becoming indifferent
The aim is not to eventually reach a state of such serenity that you no longer care at all what other people think.
As a teacher in particular, it is important to listen, accept feedback and reflect on your own behaviour.
But you don’t have to take critical feedback as a judgement on yourself.
You can listen.
You can examine it.
You can recognise a mistake.
You can continue to disagree.
And you can move on afterwards.
Perhaps this is precisely a good yardstick for dealing with criticism in a more composed manner:
Don’t fend off every criticism.
Don’t accept every criticism.
Instead, consciously decide which parts apply to you.
‘My Ego Is on Holiday’ is here to help you.
Twenty years’ experience in teaching, leadership and psychology, distilled into a practical guide for teachers.
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⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ The book offers a brilliant perspective for learners and teachers, enabling them to engage in self-reflection without feeling as though they’re being told off. Light-hearted, humorous and genuinely helpful. Simply brilliant!
P.A. – English Teacher – 2025